I’ve been married to Caleb for five years. If you asked me to describe him a few months ago, I would have used words like “sturdy” or “consistent.”
He’s the kind of man who double-checks the stove three times before we leave for dinner and genuinely sheds a tear at those sappy father-son life insurance commercials.
He was my safe harbor. He was predictable. That’s why watching him unravel over the past three months has been the most terrifying experience of my life.
He was my safe harbor.
It started shortly after I gave birth to Jeremy, our first child.
Everything seemed fine at first, just the usual new parenting chaos. During the second week after we brought him home from the hospital, something shifted.
One evening, Jeremy was in the middle of a full-scale meltdown.
“I’ve got him.”
Caleb swooped in and scooped Jeremy up with a frantic sort of speed.
It started shortly after I gave birth to Jeremy, our first child.
“I can nurse him,” I offered, reaching out.
My body was screaming for the baby just as loud as the baby was screaming for me.
“He just ate,” Caleb snapped.
It was the first time he’d ever used that tone with me. Before I could even process the sting of it, he carried Jeremy into the nursery and shut the door.
I heard the lock click.
It was the first time he’d ever used that tone with me.
I stood in the hallway, staring at the brass handle. “Caleb? Did you just lock the door?”
“It’s easier if it’s just us,” he called back. “He settles faster.”
I stood there for what felt like hours, listening to Jeremy cry. I was about ready to claw through the door when the crying started to soften. Then, there was blessed silence.
When Caleb finally emerged, his smile looked like it had been stapled onto his face.
“See?” he said, brushing past me. “Told you.”
“Caleb? Did you just lock the door?”
Around three weeks later, I walked past the nursery and saw Caleb standing over the crib.
Jeremy was out cold, his little chest rising and falling peacefully, and Caleb was just… watching him.
He wasn’t moving. He looked like a statue.
“You okay?”
He nodded, but when he turned to look at me, his eyes were shiny with unshed tears. “I wish Mom were here to see him. She would’ve loved this.”
Caleb was just… watching him.
I stepped into the room and put a hand on his back. “I know, honey. She’d be spoiling him rotten.”
“She kept all my baby blankets. She couldn’t wait for grandkids.” He swallowed hard.
I thought we were having a moment, but that night, when the sun went down, Caleb went right back to being the intense, obsessive man that fatherhood had transformed him into.
When I reached for Jeremy to give him a final snuggle, Caleb’s grip on the baby tightened.
“Bedtime is my thing, okay?” he snapped.
The door shut, and the lock clicked.
Caleb’s grip on the baby tightened.
Why was he doing this? Was I not a good enough mother?
I started to spiral. You know how it is when you’re sleep-deprived; your brain starts inventing all kinds of scenarios.
I wondered if he was hiding something. I dismissed the thought a moment later, never realizing how close I’d come to uncovering the truth behind his strange behavior.
One evening, I was in the shower when Jeremy let out a full-blown, frantic bawl. I threw on a towel and sprinted down the hall.
I wondered if he was hiding something.
I grabbed the nursery door handle. The door wouldn’t open.
“Caleb?” I knocked hard. “Caleb, let me in!”
There was a long beat of silence. Then, I heard a strange shuffling sound.
Finally, the lock turned. Caleb opened the door. He was breathing hard, his shirt was wrinkled, and his hair was standing up on one side. Jeremy was red-faced and sobbing in his arms.
“What happened?” I demanded, pushing my way inside.
“Caleb, let me in!”
“Nothing,” Caleb said. “He’s just overtired. He’s fine.”
I looked at my son. Jeremy’s cheeks were wet, and he was gasping for air.
“I’ll take him.” I reached out. My maternal instinct was screaming at me to get the baby away from whatever energy was vibrating off Caleb.
“I’ve got him!”
Caleb backed away, turned around, and closed the door in my face.
Jeremy’s cheeks were wet, and he was gasping for air.
It became a routine.
Every single night, bedtime meant I stood in the hallway like a stranger. And every single night, I heard that same shuffling sound before he opened the door to let me back in.
Once, I got desperate.
I pressed my ear to the wood, holding my breath so I wouldn’t miss a thing. I heard a faint crackling. It sounded like radio static, and then… voices? They were soft and fuzzy. I couldn’t make out the words.
Bedtime meant I stood in the hallway like a stranger.
When Caleb finally opened the door, he looked startled to see me standing there.
“What are you doing? Don’t you trust me?”
The question felt like a slap.
“It’s not about trust, Caleb. I don’t understand you. I don’t know who you are lately.”
He just sighed and walked away.
Every time I tried to confront him, he had an excuse ready.
He looked startled to see me standing there.
He’d say, “He settles faster if it’s just me,” or “If you come in, he’ll smell the milk on you and want to nurse, and then we’re back to square one.”
At first, I tried to be understanding. I blamed the hormones. I blamed my own exhaustion.
I told myself that Caleb was just grieving. His father died back in college, and his mother passed away right after we found out I was pregnant. Jeremy would never know his grandparents on Caleb’s side.
That’s a heavy thing to carry.
I told myself that Caleb was just grieving.
Maybe becoming a father without your own parents to guide you does something to your wiring.
But then, my thoughts took a darker turn.
Those voices I’d heard…
Was he talking to someone else? Was he having an emotional affair? Maybe he was texting some ex-girlfriend while he was supposed to be rocking our son.
The secrecy was so intense that it felt like betrayal.
Those voices I’d heard… Was he talking to someone else?
One morning, Caleb had to leave for work an hour early.
I was exhausted, but Jeremy was gurgling softly while enjoying some “tummy time,” so I decided to change the crib sheets — a chore Caleb usually insisted on doing himself.
I leaned over to tuck in the corner, and the dirty sheet slid off my shoulder and dropped to the floor.
I bent down to grab it, and that’s when I saw something chilling.
I decided to change the crib sheets.
Taped to the underside of the crib frame, hidden in the very back corner, was a smartphone.
My stomach didn’t just drop; it did a slow, agonizing somersault.
I reached back and peeled away the duct tape keeping the phone in place. It was an older model, a cheap burner-type thing. My hands were shaking so hard I almost dropped it.
I pressed the power button. It flickered to life.
There was no passcode.
Taped to the underside of the crib frame was a smartphone.
I went straight to the messages. There was only one thread.
I opened it and scrolled to the bottom. The most recent message was sent at 8:15 p.m. the night before — right when Caleb was locked in the room with Jeremy.
“She’s starting to suspect something. If she finds out what I did, she’ll take the baby.”
My vision went blurry.
What did you do, Caleb? What could possibly be so bad that I would take our son away?
The most recent message was sent at 8:15 p.m. the night before.
I started scrolling up, my heart hammering a frantic rhythm in my ears.
I expected to find evidence of another woman, or some horrible secret, but as I read, I realized those messages weren’t about cheating. They were all about Jeremy.
I stared at the number at the top of the screen.
I recognized it now.
Caleb was texting confessions to a dead woman.
These messages weren’t about cheating.
That night, when Caleb went into the nursery with Jeremy, I waited outside the door. I heard the shuffling: the sound of him moving the chair to reach the phone under the crib.
Five minutes later, I knocked.
“Caleb? Open the door.”
I heard the shuffling again. The lock turned.
“I told you—”
I stepped inside and walked straight to the crib.
The lock turned.
“Caleb, we need to talk,” I said as I reached under the crib and removed the phone.
The color drained from his face so fast I thought he might faint.
The phone was still turned on. I opened the message thread and played the first voice memo.
“He won’t settle, Mom,” Caleb’s voice whispered through the speaker. “He prefers her. I can tell. When I hold him, he looks at me like I’m a stranger. I’m trying… I’m trying so hard.”
I played another.
I opened the message thread and played the first voice memo.
“I snapped today. I didn’t yell, but I said, ‘Can you just be quiet for one second?’ in this mean, scary voice.”
Then another.
“I left him crying in the crib for three minutes today because I felt like I was going to explode. You always told me to do that if it got overwhelming. But I felt like I abandoned him.”
Caleb slumped against the changing table.
“Please don’t take him away from me. I swear to God, I would never hurt him.”
Caleb slumped against the changing table.
“I know you wouldn’t,” I said. “Caleb, look at me; you’re overwhelmed. All good parents feel that way sometimes. Do you think I haven’t cried in the shower because I didn’t know how to make him stop crying?”
A single sob escaped him, and he shook his head.
“When he cries with me, I feel like he knows I’m not enough. I wanted bedtime to be mine. I wanted one thing I could do without you. I thought if it were just us, he’d eventually love me as much as he loves you.”
Jeremy started to fuss, sensing the tension.
“I wanted one thing I could do without you.”
“Normal fathers don’t text their dead moms,” Caleb said.
“Normal fathers miss their mothers,” I countered. “Especially when they’re trying to figure out how to be a parent themselves.”
His eyes filled up again, and that time, he let the tears fall. “I didn’t know how to tell you I’m not good at this. I wanted to be the guy who has it all together. The safe guy.”
“You’re learning. Just like I am. We’re both rookies, Caleb.”
“Normal fathers don’t text their dead moms.”
I set the phone on the dresser. “No more hiding. From now on, we’re a team. And tomorrow, we’re going to call a therapist. No arguments.”
Caleb looked at me, searching my face for any sign of judgment or lingering fear.
“You really don’t think I’m a bad father?”
“I think you’re a very tired one who misses his mom.” I leaned in and kissed his forehead. “Now, let’s get this baby off to sleep together.”
Caleb nodded. He offered me the armchair, and for the first time, we got Jeremy to sleep together.
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